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Life on KYM
Just FYI, i'm not dead... Just pursuing other venues of happiness atm. I haven't given up on you guys!
I just had to get back into the traditional forum role play style that I fell in love with!
I''m not trying to "advertise" any other site, i'm just letting everyone know that if they want to reach me at all, I am on the website Valucre daily. Hop on over and say hi if you have anything you wanna discuss! My username is ezkiel777 and my avatar is the same as the one here.
I just wanted to let everyone know what I was up to, and that I haven't forgotten anyone!
Screw everything, imma become a farmer!
Dammit youtube! STOP DISTRACTING ME!
I just finished drinking a strong kombucha, and eating tamales covered in an entirely unhealthy amount of pickle jalapeños.
I'm feeling really euphoric right now, but come morning, I will be pooping fire and cursing satan...
Three years ago I carried you up that mountain on my back.
You remember, don't you?
I didn't know it then, at that time, just what it would mean for the both of us.
The snow fell...
And so did you.
Well, I guess thats just how things go.
Like ice on an oak leaf.
You were beautiful, I was cold and bitter.
But even through the snow I found you.
And though I had hoped, you died that day.
It's a new season now, but I can't say much has changed.
The trees are a little bigger now.
And so am I. I ate the last fruit today.
As once again the snow fell to birch and bough.
I saved you you some, even though I knew better.
But for that the taste is so much sweeter.
And i'm much stronger now, i've been practicing my smile.
And i'm no longer sad that you're gone...
I just wish the snow would pass already...
It's hard to stay warm.
Your female lifelong companion of the two dimensional persuasion is the equivalent to human and/or beastly defection of the most inappropriately, yet aptly so, named rendition.
I thought it would never end, those days we were together.
But those moments passed and now you're gone...
I couldn't believe it at first. No. I didn't want to believe it.
Dammit, I... It's like I can still feel you there.
Like any moment now you'll come around that same corner as always carrying that same tray of tea.
But now, this world is just plain cold.
Haha, I guess the tea has sat out too long now, hasn't it?
You always told me not to let it go cold.
That it doesn't take long after all.
I guess it's only now that I understand what you meant.
Someone once told me to savor the moment.
And I always did. But I don't know if I can this time.
Because this piece of time is just too bitter and the taste just won't cease to linger.
It's been nine months now.
And I can't look at her the same.
I see the world different now.
And all the same faces and all the same places...
Well, they'll just never be the same.
But I promise to make the rounds.
Water the plants, clean the grounds.
Because for better or worse, you will always be here in my thoughts.
Because I don't want to believe... That all these were just mere Plastic Memories.
- Show previous comments 4 more
Naw, it's a poem inspired by the show Plastic Memories.
Baring the crappy overused tropes and the fact that it's short lived life forced it to cut out world building, the actual premise of the show was fantastic. Very heart wrenching. My recent feel fest reminded me of the show, which aired a year ago I think? Close to 2 perhaps.
It's about a romance between a man and an android girl, whose shelf life is about to expire. Meaning she would be deactivated, and her memory and personality shredded up. Cutesy at times, it deals with the underlying emotional struggle one would come to expect from someone who is, lets just say for lack of a better term, terminally ill.
You see the ending coming from a mile away, but it still tugs at your heartstrings.
Give it a watch if you care. It's only 13 episodes long, so it's an easy binge. But bring enough snacks for both you and depression, because depression is going to show up.
confirmed. i can't remember where my car keys are. i need more GB of memory.
I crawled down to the basement when the weather got cold
Like a lost lamb returning to the fold
And when the outside world recedes from view
It's just a year's supply of make-up and memories of you
Nineteen sixty-seven, colt forty-five
Holding back the vampires, keeping me alive
There's an envelope with some cash in it out by the front door
This is what they make you take the medication for
.... Maybe I will move to a new town.
I obviously don't have time to build that much anymore. Social interaction would suit me better I think.
Anyone wanna recruit me?
What do you think we were intended to accomplish here? I mean, why are we alive? Really... Is it to learn how to love? To worship something greater than ourselves? To seek self satisfaction?
All my life i've been a loner. I mean, sure, I have had friendly acquaintances. People I could superficially say i've liked. Even people i've claimed to have loved. But i've never been close to anyone, ever. And because of that I have stood to the side and watched and read and listened to everything going on around me and i've learned... Or at least, I think I have seen a glimpse of purpose in others.
I use to think that it's ok that i'm alone. That all I need is my God and my distractions. Things to keep my mind occupied and my hands busy. Idle hands are the Devils playground is what I was taught. But i've begun to wonder. Aren't idle movements still idle? My hands move without meaning, so, isn't that the same thing as doing nothing?
For the past several months you all have barely seen me. I've been busy, but accomplishing nothing at the same time. I've been doing a lot of self reflection, looking at what I have done and what I have accomplished in my life. I see that I have done some good, yes, but... It still feels too damned empty.
I might have touched people, but I have never really connected to anyone. I haven't ever really made any memories with anyone outside of my immediate family and... Well, I was always okay with how things were. Thinking I was happy... But the more I reflect, the more frightened I become.
I'm terrified actually.
A long time ago I had this crazy nightmare. It's been close to ten years ago now. But out of every dream I have ever had, this one stuck with me more than any other. I dreamt that I was in this very dark place. Pitch black, with no features whatsoever. No floors, no ceiling, just endless black. There wasn't anyone else around. It was just me. And I felt this... Overwhelming sense of dread and hopelessness. It was strange. I was young enough at the time and still innocent enough that I was oblivious to the world and the things that cause these emotions. They were brand new to me. And yet I felt them so intensely, I still shudder to this day thinking about that place.
But it only got worse from there. There was one light in that place. It was like a window. When I looked through it, I saw the people that were most important to me. My dad, my brother.... And most vividly, my mom. My mom, she was alone. Dirt poor, living in an apartment all by herself, hanging laundry outside on her porch. And the thing that stuck me most about that scene was, she was happy... Happier than I had ever scene her. A light in her eye and a smile on her face, she was quite content all alone. And I knew. I wasn't even a memory. What I saw was a scene of life without me. Of a life without anyone. And it was the same with all the others. It was as if I didn't exist.
I remember crying out, reaching out, but no one heard me or saw me. And then the window closed. I was left in the darkness, alone, in despair. It was so damned potent, I can hardly believe that such a thing could be felt in a dream!
Eventually, I turned around and I saw a mansion. Pretty large, as far as mansions go. Old. And so without any purpose left to my being, I felt, that was the place I needed to resign myself. So I picked myself up and went in.
It was surprising really. There were others there, just like me. Just a handful mind you. But we never talked, or made eye contact. We were well aware of each others presence. But we never even spoke... Even then though, I knew, they were the same as me. Stuck in a place of hopelessness and isolation. The fact that we were all together in that place just merely added insult to injury.
Ha, we were all alone together.
I walked over to the staircase, claimed up them, and looked out over the living room area where a few of them sat in silence before continuing up. My dream ended when I came to the top, and my emotions vanished. I stared down an empty corridor that disappeared into the darkness. And as I resigned myself to my fate, I woke up.
I still remember the state I was in when I woke up. My pillow soaked in tears, I was screaming. And it felt like my heart was going to break.
I never understood what that dream meant or why I had it. It took my years and years to realize what it was.
It was Hell.
Hell isn't a pit of fire or of ice, a place of demons with pitchforks, or dead men wailing in torment. It's a dark place devoid of hope. And I realized that Hell isn't a place made for us. It's place we make for ourselves.
I tell you this because, my fear, my greatest fear in life, I have come to realize is not being alone. My fear is not having meaning to my life, or living my life to give meaning to others. And when I looked back on my life, I realized something. The way I have lived my life up to now, not ever trying to reach out to people and make real connections out of fear of rejection, or because I didn't want to put people out, was just me taking step after step into that Hell I was making for myself.
I use to be afraid of being forgotten. But now I am terrified, because I haven't done anything to even be remembered. And I can't say that I even really know anyone. Who will remember me? Who will I remember? My family will eventually go away. Hell, maybe I will go ahead of them. As sick as it is, I really hope its the latter. I don't think I could stomach the loneliness. My world is too small as it is now. As I am now, I will only bring pain or I will only find pain.
I'm sick of this. I don't wan't to be alone anymore. I'm doing sitting on my ass watching the world pass me by, not making any memories.
I use to wonder why I felt so lonely even though I am surrounded by family that loves me. I use to think I just needed a lover perhaps, or maybe learn to love right by taking care of what's in front of me.
But I realized thats not enough anymore. Theres no purpose in that. That's just... Surviving.
I have so much I want to do in my life. But i've just realized recently, I don't want to do it alone. More than anything else, more now than ever, I want to see the dreams of everyone else come to pass as well! I want to laugh, cry, work, and live side by side with everyone else! And I can't do it hiding behind a computer. No. Thats not right either. This is a technological age after all, lol! Of course I still need to be online to connect to others. But I am done with the anonymity. No more hiding.
I'm sorry to go heavy on you all, all of a sudden. I just needed to vent my fears and frustrations, and this is where I felt safest to do that.
I feel much better now... Thank you.
It's time to get to work.
- Show previous comments 2 more
I thought this was gonna end up being a quote or something, now I'm just depressed.
Did you type all of this or is this copy and pasted? If this is your story, it is a nice one. Good read. Hits some of those deep points. Good for self-reflection.
tl;dr version: Time to make real friends with real connections. Live life in a way where you won't regret it. And leave the world with a story to tell about you and remember.
It's my story by the way. That nightmare I had when I was 14 has been a real driving force in my life. It's made me constantly question how I perceive heaven and hell, and the reflection of that our lives make. And how my whole life I thought it was just fine to not have friends or connect with anyone. And with each passing day, i'm realizing more and more that I was wrong.
There's a song with a line that says to "run the risk of fearlessly loving, without running away". I never quite understood what that meant... But i'm beginning to!
So I was getting on my plane flight, and I sat in my seat chair. Then the waitress server took my food order and the way she walked ran inspired me to write a rap song.